The Danny-festo

God is one hell of a multi-tasker. In-between performing miracles, healing the sick and answering the prayers of people who surely ask for more important things than 10 more minutes of sleep when their child wakes up at ass o’clock in the morning, He also enjoys making sure I wind up doing exactly what I say I am never going to do.


Case in point: After ending a relationship with a man two years my junior during my late 20’s—a man who wore Old Spice, listened endlessly to Morrissey and, of course, played bass in a band—I swore I would never date a younger man again. And then I married a guy seven years younger than me.

 

I said I would never move away from my hometown. I would travel and see the world, but I would always come home to Nashville. I have since lived in Atlanta, Brooklyn, Jersey City (which is on the New York side of New Jersey, not the Real Housewives of New Jersey side of New Jersey) and Long Beach, California.

 

I said I never wanted to have kids. I spent most of my early adulthood telling everyone to enjoy their kids while I enjoyed my disposable income. And then I had the best little baby boy ever.

 

Write a blog? Please. That ship has sailed. Everyone has a blog. Some granny who calls herself Sweet-thing has a blog full of scintillating updates about her husband’s rotator cuff surgery. No way am I lumping myself in with the masses, and no way would I write about motherhood just because I happen to be a writer who happens to have a child. It’s like some kind of law: If you’re a writer with a vagina and something human comes out of it, you must write about it. But not me.

 

And yet here we are, in Dannyland.

 

Thanks for visiting. Let me introduce you to the people who live here year-round:

 

 

This is me. Actually, this is me after a hairstylist with a big round brush had his way with me, then coated me in more hairspray than I used before my junior prom. This was way better than prom, though, because my date didn’t spend most of the night crying because he lost a soccer game. True story.

 

 

 

This is my husband, Dom. He makes me happy. He also makes me want to jam a very long, very sharp knife in his skull. He’s smart, confident, patient, goofy, affectionate and not one millimeter taller than me, no matter what he tells you. After more than seven years of marriage, I can honestly say he is still the best person I have ever known.

 

 

 


This is my son, Jude. He likes cheese, baths, Mickey Mouse, books and giving me big, slobbery, open-mouth kisses right before I put him down for the night that erase any memory I might have of him being bad during the day.

 

 

 

This is Monkey. When I adopted her, I read a book that said I needed to establish myself as the alpha dog, so I held her in front of me and growled until she looked away. Unfortunately, my growls sounded less like a dog and more like a disgruntled pirate—and it never worked. But she’s a good girl and the reason I know how to take care of anything other than myself.

 

 

This is Shug. No, she is not named after Suge Knight from Death Row Records. I named her after Shug Avery from The Color Purple because they’re both strong black women. Shug is a black-and-tan coonhound mix who wishes the world was made of peanut butter. She always has and always will play second fiddle to Monkey.

 

 

Now that you’ve met everyone, here are four things that will happen should you decide to make subsequent visits to Dannyland:

 

1. You will laugh. Out loud. And if you don’t laugh, you might titter, or at least smirk, but you’ll be holding back a laugh just to spite me.

 

2. I will be wrong every once in awhile, but I won’t admit it. And I will work very hard to make sure you understand that I’m right. I’m very good at this. I do it to my husband all the time.

 

3. I will write about being a mom now and then, but not in that sickening being-a-mommy-is-hard-girlfriend-now-where’s-my-tumbler-of-pinot-grigio tone. If there’s one thing that makes me want to sick up my supper, it’s people who talk about parenting and drinking in the same breath. High school is over, folks. Talking about drinking so much went out with perm rods and David Lee Roth’s pleather pants.

 

4. To break up my rambling I will post photos, but let me be clear: I am not a photographer. I’m not even a good photographer who says they’re not good just to be humble, then cranks out perfectly composed shots  that look like they should be featured in Effing Fantastic Photography magazine. I’m a point-and-shoot kind of a girl—sometimes I nail it, most times I don’t.

 

One last thing:

 

Years ago, I had a dream that God and I were in a ski boat on a lake. He was behind the wheel, wind whipping through his long, hippie-like hair, and I was seated across from him with a fake steering wheel in front of me—the kind kids have as a car toy. We were cruising along smoothly, but I kept gripping my fake steering wheel and trying to turn the boat the way I wanted it to go. Clearly it’s a heavy-handed metaphor for my (many) control issues. I usually don’t remember my dreams, but this one has always stuck with me.

 

All of which is to say, let’s just see where this takes us.

 

Comments

  1. Kim Degg says:

    Love it! Excited for more!! 🙂 xo

  2. Wait, I’m not supposed to talk about drinking anymore? I’m going to be short on conversation fodder. Love that I get to read your wit and humor regularly!!

  3. Wonderful! Can’t wait to read more.

  4. SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. it’s amazing. and i haven’t even gotten started. love you.

  5. D-Bones, i love it. Just had a chance to start reading the ‘blog’. that’s right i’m not letting you trick me into calling it something else. Bonnie has read your work and is bemused (at best). She is a tough critic.

  6. Aunt Flo says:

    Can’t wait for more!!! Read it first this morning and startedmy day off right with a lot of laughs.
    So glad you finally did this!! Love you!

  7. Cindy Elliott Gilliam says:

    This is great. Love it. Trying to figure out who you went to prom with though.

  8. Susan Harbin says:

    Loved this! I am Catherine Mayhew’s mother-in-law and love reading her blogs. Can’t wait to see more… she has said for years that you are one of the best writers ever!

  9. Margie Nastri says:

    You do make me laugh, smile, hum, and nod “yes, I agree”. Looking forward to doing more of all that. BTW i never met anyone who had a similar dream as mine!…except Jesus and I were on a stage coach riding hell for leather toward the woods. I kept trying to take the reins from Him but He kept going faster and faster. I finally just gave up and held on. Sounds like you’re in for a “great day on the lake”

  10. I am so excited to finally be able to read and reread you anytime I wish!! I am not sure you realize how much fun I have stalking you and the fam!!! Love it and am so happy for you. Hope to see you guys soon, Nashville misses you (and so do I)!!

  11. Glorious. Can’t wait to go along for the ride!

  12. So glad you finally got this up and running! Congrats and can’t wait to see what you have coming next

  13. Kobellonby says:

    Perfect. As usual. I love you.

  14. Tobi Weldon says:

    So excited for this – I have been in love with your writing for as long as I have known you.

    Blessed to call you my family and friend!

    xo

Speak Your Mind

*